It was Jerry's idea. He'd been at me about it for some time and the fact is he was right. It had been nearly two years since Eileen passed on and since that time I'd just turned into a couch potato. I didn't go out, didn't have people over. I'd rent a movie, fix some food and hang out on the couch, getting fatter and lonelier. It was time I got out again - but I was 56 years old, damn it, and the idea of going out with a different woman after twenty-two years of marriage scared the bejeezus out of me.
Her name was Brianna. Right there I new I was in trouble because nobody from my generation is named Brianna. And the truth is this girl Jerry was setting me up with was ten years younger than me. He showed me her picture and she looked very attractive, and in a distinctive way. She had bright red hair with bangs cut straight across her eyebrows, and she wore glasses that looked like they were from the 1950's, plastic frames that kind of turned up at the ends, you know? She had a cute nose and a mischievous smile in the picture, which was only of her face though I was assured by Jerry she had a great figure. Not that I'd have any right to be picky with the pounds I'd packed on since I landed on that couch. According to Jerry he'd told her all about me and she was very interested. She liked older men, apparently.
There was one thing, however, that Jerry warned me about. "One slight hiccup in the deal," is the way he put it. Brianna smoked. Jerry knew I'd never smoked in my life and neither had Eileen. But Jerry assured me Brianna had been trying to quit for some time and was down to two or three cigarettes a day. Maybe being around a guy who never smoked would help her stay the course.
I called her and we had a great conversation on the phone. She had a marvelous sense of humor and a very sexy voice. We agreed to meet at the restaurant rather than have me pick her up. I figured that way we'd both have an out in case things went south and we wouldn't be faced with that awkward situation of the ride back in the car.
I picked out a nice Italian restaurant I've always loved and she was already there when I arrived. Jerry was right about her figure, she was a knockout! She was about 5' 4" with great legs. She put her hand out for a shake and gave me a firm grip and a big smile. Her voice was a little more nasal than it had been on the phone and she explained that she'd just gotten a head cold but that she felt fine other than not being able to breathe through her nose.
Dinner went terrifically, and I knew immediately I was smitten. She seemed to genuinely like me. We didn't have any of those uncomfortable pauses I remembered from my old dating days. A couple of times she reached over and touched me, leaving her hand on my arm just a moment longer than necessary, then took her hand away slowly. I really felt like we were making a connection. She excused herself once to the ladies room and the amount of time she was gone led me to believe she might have actually slipped out for a smoke, but I couldn't smell anything when she came back so I really don't know.
Another charming thing about her was her absent-mindedness. She'd start talking about one thing, then digress to mention something else and forget what she'd started talking about in the first place. It got really crazy when the waiter began offering her different choices with her order and she couldn't make up her mind and kept asking him to repeat everything again. By then we'd already started in on the wine so we were both getting pretty silly. I hadn't laughed so much in a long, long time.
Finally, we finished our desserts and both of us knew it was time to leave. I tried to read the signals, to tell if she wanted me to make some kind of move, but after twenty-two years that type of radar gets a little rusty. We stepped outside and just when I thought I saw an opening for a kiss she sneezed, apologized, then sneezed again. Her nose sounded more stuffed than ever. I told her she'd better get home to take care of that cold. I walked her to her car and before getting in she kissed me on the cheek saying, "I'd kiss you on the lips but I don't want you to get my cold. We'll have to wait until I'm better for that." I could feel my blood pressure rise. I was on cloud nine! Before leaving we agreed I'd call her to set up another date.
I thought about her all the way home and that night I had trouble getting to sleep. I told myself this was too good to be true, only I didn't listen. Turns out I was right.
That was Saturday night. I wondered if I should call Sunday or was that too soon? Once again I was severely out of touch with the protocol for these things. Women don't like it if you appear too anxious. On the other hand I wanted her to know how much I'd enjoyed our evening. I decided I'd wait until Monday and talk to Jerry. He might have some insight into her feelings about our date.
I got to work early because I knew Jerry did as well. He liked to settle in with a cup a coffee and kind of ease into the job. I was sitting in the lunch room when Jerry walked in with a glum look on his face. I kept waiting for him to say something about Brianna while he was fixing his coffee but he didn't say a word. Finally I said, "Hey, old buddy, aren't you going to ask about my date?"
"I already know about your date," he said sourly. I couldn't figure out what he was talking about. We'd had a great time.....I thought. I asked him what he'd heard, which is the first time he really looked at me.
"You do know about Brianna, right?" he asked.
"What about her?" I said.
Jerry sat next to me with an expression of concern and looked deep into my eyes. "Man, you don't know, do you?" he said.
"Will you just come out with it?" I demanded, "what the hell are you talking about?"
And this is what Jerry told me:
It seems that just before leaving for the restaurant Brianna had put a pot of water on the stove to boil. Why is still a mystery, but the point is she forgot she'd put it there with the flame on. I told you she was a little ditsy. Anyway, she left for our date and the water boiled over, eventually dousing the flame on the stove. It was an old stove so the gas just kept shooting out and filling her tiny apartment - the entire time we were together! And wouldn't you know she had closed and locked all the windows before she left.
So the date's over and Brianna gets home. She should have smelled the gas immediately but she had that head cold and didn't smell a thing. Things might still have been alright if she just hadn't been jonesing for a cigarette. It appears the first thing she did after stepping in the door is light up a smoke and then - BOOM!
According to Jerry, the blast sent her backwards through her door and across the hall until she became embedded in the wall opposite. Only her arms and legs were sticking out. The explosion blew off those adorable bangs above her eyebrows and it even blew off her eyebrows! Luckily those 50's style glasses helped protect her eyes. Jerry said none of her injuries were permanent and she should be out of the hospital in a few weeks.
Maybe I should have called her after that, I don't know. Somehow I feel partly responsible. Now I'm back on the couch watching movies and getting fat, feeling sorry for myself. My first date in twenty-two years and it ends with a bang, but not the kind I was hoping for. One good thing did come out of it though:
Jerry says Brianna has finally quit smoking.
- C. S. Winter
