Once upon a time there lived a very special old man in a small cottage at the edge of a dense forest. This old man, named Erasmus Carmichael, was very special because he held a great secret. The people who lived in the town below all wanted to know the old man's secret but he would never tell.
Mr. Black was the town banker and also the richest man in the valley. He had often offered Erasmus great wealth if he would only divulge his secret to him but Erasmus could never be persuaded and continued to keep the great secret.
Myra Schooner was easily the most attractive woman in town and had many times offered her favors to Erasmus in exchange for his secret but Erasmus had steadfastly refused on every occasion and continued to keep the great secret.
Even Mr. Hinchley, the Mayor of the town, had repeatedly offered to make Erasmus a member of the town council, a prestigious position that carried with it great authority in matters concerning life in the valley, but despite this offer Erasmus would never share his great secret.
Then one day there came to the old man's cottage a sad looking gentleman. He was short and appeared somewhat bloated due to his long indulgence in wine and other spirits. The gentleman knocked at the door of the old man's home and when Erasmus opened the door the sad faced man introduced himself.
"My name, sir, is Francis Bedlo. I live in the valley below and I have come here, as I'm sure you might have guessed, to ask you to tell me your great secret." As Francis spoke he looked only at the ground and held his cap in his hands, shuffling his feet awkwardly. "I do not ask this for myself, you understand. I'm not particularly interested in your secret. But my wife is a cruel woman who taunts me day and night about my financial failures and my drinking. I cannot stand her but what is a man to do?" At this Francis finally looked up at Erasmus with beseeching eyes. "She told me if I don't obtain your great secret I might as well not come home and my home is the only thing I have in the world. I do not care to sleep in the dense forest for it is bitterly cold at night and there are many dangers, but that's where I will be if I come home empty handed."
Erasmus took pity on the sad little man and bid him welcome to his home. They sat before the fire and Erasmus offered Francis a glass of wine which he drank heartily. "I'll tell you what I'll do," said Erasmus. "I'll share with you my great secret if you give me your word you will not share it with anyone else."
"But what is the point of that," asked Francis. "To know your great secret but not to share it?"
"Ah, but my sad friend, don't you see?" continued Erasmus. "If you have the secret you will be offered many things. Great wealth, the favors of beautiful women, and perhaps even a position on the town council which will give you enviable stature in the eyes of the community. You need not share the secret but only suggest that in time you might be persuaded to do so. I have never indulged in these offerings myself but you may if you like, so long as you promise never to tell the great secret."
"Yes," cried Francis. "Yes, I understand now! By keeping the secret I will hold sway over everyone in the valley. Even my wife, the fat cow, will have to treat me decently. Oh thank you, Erasmus, thank you. You have changed my life!"
And with that Erasmus told Francis every detail of his great secret. Francis thanked the old man many times before returning to the town. When he reached his home he thought to surprise his wife with the news and so slipped into the house quietly. He heard groaning sounds coming from the bedroom and the creaking of their dilapidated bed. When he entered the bedroom there was his wife, Estelle, making love to the town cobbler.
"So," cried Francis, "you slut! You whore! As soon as I am gone you betray me! But the laugh is on you because I have returned with the great secret and now I shall not share it with you!" But as Francis was telling Estelle this news the cobbler lept from the bed and charged toward Francis. He punched Francis in the face hard and then kicked him as he fell to the ground. "You worthless little man," screamed Estelle, "I don't believe you have the secret. You've been a failure in everything you've ever done. I only sent you to see the old man so I could be alone with the cobbler. At least he knows how to take care of a woman!" The cobbler continued battering Francis senseless until the sad little man was driven from his own home, bruised and bleeding.
"Very well," said Francis. "I'll show you both!"
Francis walked to the bank to see Mr. Black who greeted him with a snarl. "I hope you're here to pay your mortgage. You are many months in arrears and I am tired of waiting."
Francis told Mr. Black that he had obtained the great secret from the old man and might be willing to share it for financial consideration. "What?" said Mr. Black. "You have the nerve, the unmitigated gall to try and extort money out of me for a secret I doubt very much you even possess? Not only will I not show you leniency on your loan but I will now call in your note. If you do not pay me what you owe by the end of business today I will seize your property for good and all. Now get out, you pathetic lush, and do not let me see you again without money in your hand!"
Francis left the bank more puzzled than ever. He thought and thought and could not see a way out of his predicament. Things had not gone as Erasmus had envisioned. As he wandered the streets of the town he passed before the house of the beautiful Myra Schooner. A smile came over his face as he entered through her gate and knocked on her door. When she opened the door her bright smile instantly shriveled into a look of disgust. "What do you want, you toad?"
"I've come to tell you I have obtained the great secret from the old man at the edge of the forest and I might be willing to share it with you if you were to offer me rest and comfort in your cozy home."
"The only thing I would ever offer you is the sharp end of my shoe, you fat little pig! I know your wife and it's always been a wonder to me that she's put up with you for all these years. I doubt very much you know the old man's secret and I wouldn't let you come near enough to tell me if you did. Not get out before I call the police!"
Francis went back out the gate as Myra slammed the door behind him. Everything had gone wrong, he thought. Everything had gone terribly, terribly wrong. The sad little man found a quiet spot away from any prying eyes and sat for a long time with his head in his hands, crying. After a while one last idea came to him. The town council, he thought. I can tell Mayor Hinchley that I hold the great secret and ask for a seat on the council. With such a position no one would dare treat me so badly again.
Francis rushed to the town hall but as he approached he saw a crowd of people heading his way, angrily shouting. "There he is," shouted one, "there's the pathetic weasel trying to plague us with his lies!" Francis could see Mayor Hinchley at the front of the large mob and there, too, was Estelle, and Mr. Black, and even Myra was heading toward him screaming. "Lech! Disgusting pervert! Get out! Get out of this valley and never come back!"
Francis could see the anger and hatred in the eyes of the townspeople. The cobbler was there next to Estelle and he was carrying a large club which he swung in a wide circle above his head. "Kill him!" cried the cobbler. "Kill the wretch!"
And so the sad eyed man turned and ran as quickly as he could away from the crowd and out of the town toward the dense forest. The townspeople continued to follow him until Francis thought he would never lose them, but after a time they stopped and turned back. Now Francis was alone as the sun began to set and the night chill made his body shake. I'm alone, he thought. No wife, no home, no friends. I have nothing but the great secret, and a lot of good that did me.
Just then Francis heard the crunching of some twigs followed by a deep, frightening growl. He turned to see an immense bear towering over him. There was not even time to cry out before the bear pounced on Francis and tore the sad little man to shreds.
And so our story ends, though not happily ever after as you might have presumed. But it does prove one thing - some people just can't keep a secret.
- C. S. Winter